i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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