The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
