he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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