Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
