Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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