I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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