i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
