I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
