I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I need moral support for this bender
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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