All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Randomize
