11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
