i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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