went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
