My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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