i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I am spending my child support on dildos
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
