i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
