So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
