So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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