I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Green mimosas i think yes
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
