mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
