Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
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IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
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I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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