I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Dignity is for republicans.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
