I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
