So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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