A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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