My entire life is one complicated drinking game
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
