Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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