I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
