My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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