going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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