I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
im holly from the hills drunk
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
