I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
whose ass print is on the piano?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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