i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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