Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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