Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
