I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
So much Jack, so little girl.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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