I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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