He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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