Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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