I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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