dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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