3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You ruined the universe
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
