plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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