So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
