I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
