Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
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I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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