I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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