I wish I only lived at night.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
