i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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