im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I just had sex on a roof
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
