We won't sleep together?
the condom got lost in my hair
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
