I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
