Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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