I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
it's like iHOP with fire
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
