Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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