dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
