I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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