There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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