dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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